Night Falls

My beautiful grand-nephew MJ

If life is a mirror that offers a true reflection of oneself; what is life showing you?

I asked this question recently as I surveyed my surroundings.  In the last five months, I’ve moved three times, and everywhere I’ve been, I end up rearranging other people’s homes, even when I’m visiting!  You might call it a gift; a knack for organizing espoused by an intolerance to clutter.  Whether it be a closet, room, drawer, home, office; it doesn’t matter; somehow, I always find the best use for that space. 

Time and time again, I found myself purging, reorganizing, donating, tossing, cleaning…getting rid of the old and making room for a new environment, a new vibration; a new way of living.  Since these were the images in my experience, I wondered…what was the universe showing me?  Were there areas in my life where I was accumulating unwanted memories, ideas and beliefs that no longer served me?

Clarity came after watching a video posted by  Elizabeth Gilbert (best-selling author of Eat, Pray, Love).  Gilbert shares how she and her husband started their retail store called Two Buttons; their journey and why, after eight years, they were closing their doors.  Gilbert says, “Once something is done, and made perfect, it’s over right?  All the excitement in life is about making things, not necessarily about trying to hold things in a perfect state.”  With her words, I then realized that I’ve been holding on to fragments of my past, like a hoarder holds on to items that are no longer of use, “just in case.”

Similar to the way clutter occupies space and promotes unorganized energy in a home; I too was shuffling events in my life.  Like playing a game of Jenga, I carefully extracted memories from my past (living with my children, my home, a former career, etc.) and conjured the feeling  of longing, blame, guilt, or disdain; placing each block on top of my own life’s tower.  I was blissfully distracted by my ability toJenga build and balance every block of stress and marveled at my sustainability, despite the overload, until of course, I witnessed (by my hand none-the-less) a collapse.

Since my children (who are all young adults now) and I moved on our own, I am no longer responsible for them, yet I have been longing to return to our home, where we lived; all under one roof; where I cooked to the sounds of Melody Gardot; a glass of wine; my youngest daughter at my side, and my middle daughter playing DJ and dancing.  Where we sat at the dinner table, and ate and laughed, and sang as my son played his guitar.  Where I cleaned and read, cried and yelled. (Oh yes! I yelled!)  Where we had countless movie nights, and said good morning and good night.

My children and me on September 15, 1993

I wanted to travel further back in time, to that picture of us at Chuck-E-Cheese, where I held the three of them in my arms.  What a beautiful life!  I accomplished the primary goal I set as a young mother, which was, to create wonderful memories.  That era…me being the momma bear that took care of them, ended (sigh).  All I have to do now is take care of myself.  Do things for me.  Who knew being selfish would be so hard?

I’ve wandered from home to home like a gypsy, leaving remnants of my belongings at every residence (a plant, sweater, shoes, etc.) just in case I needed to return.

I was afraid of stepping into the space of writing  and held on to the idea that I could sell homes again, yet I told everyone I know how much I hated selling real estate.  I’ve looked for work that fits my experience as an Executive/Personal Assistant; submitting resumes for jobs that I really didn’t want.  I’ve quit every job I’ve ever had (well, except for one). I knew in my heart that I was done with these careers; yet, I kept going back and occupying the space that no longer belonged to me and was meant for someone else.  I truly understood this concept when I heard Gilbert say, “When you’re done with something, get out of the way and move so that the next thing [person] can come in and fill up that space and turn it into the next thing that the world wants it to be.”

I then sat and practiced a guided meditation with Dr. Joe Dispenza and reached a moment of bliss when I heard him say, “Now it’s time to become no body, no one, no thing, no where, in no time; to become pure consciousness; to become an awareness in the infinite field of potentials, and to invest your energy into possibility.”

After opening my eyes, in a state of appreciation, I reached for my wallet, took out my State of California Department of Real Estate ID, and put it away.  Selling real estate served its purpose.  As an Agent, I was able to be mom first and provider.  My former aspirations of being an EA/PA and working 24/7 to possibly earn 100K per year, was done.  I stopped submitting my resume for jobs that I knew I would eventually quit.  I called my children, praised them for their independence; blessed their lives, careers and all of their endeavors. I assured them that I was going to be fine and more than fine; I was happy.  I collected all of my things that were scattered in other people’s homes, updated my address, unpacked my cherished items and began to make my new house my home.

Just as night falls as the sun rises, I marvel with gratitude at the majestic synchronicity that the end of an era brings and embrace with excitement the beginning of a new one and all of the possibilities that already exists.

And so, if life is a mirror that offers a true reflection of oneself; what is life showing you?

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